Uncomfortable: Your “First Love” and What that Relationship Teaches You (Part1)

So, my first real relationship was when I was a Junior in High School. We had been friends for a while, and initially we had planned on being “friends with benefits” (sorry Mom and Dad). But, the more we got to know each other the more we liked each other – go figure – and that lead us down the yellow brick road to (theme music please) da-da-da-naaaa: dating.

The 5 most important things I learned from that relationship are as follows:

1. Give Faith and Trust Where it is Due
2. Don’t Ruin Your Dating Schema
3. Always Trust Your Gut and Stay True to Yourself
4. Communication is Key
5. Don’t Force Something

1. Give Faith and Trust Where it is Due
   If you’re going to be with someone then be with them. Trust them that they will do right by you. There is absolutely no point in worrying about something you have no control over. So, if the person you are dating is a POS – then they will be a POS whether you are worried sick or not.

“Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it” – Charles R. Swindell

I didn’t trust him, and at that point I didn’t have a reason not to… It’s funny to me, that I am more confident in the beginning of a relationship, but as the relationship progresses I become more insecure because my partner has the ability to hurt me more now, than they could initially. And funny isn’t necessarily the right word for that realization, but I don’t know how else to describe it – anyone else have this issue?!?
My excuse for not trusting him was always, “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust them”. Them, as in, the other girls that were around. BULLSHIT. If you don’t trust how your significant other will react to other people being around then you don’t trust them. And maybe you have a reason not to trust them, but maybe you don’t. Either way, relationships don’t work if there’s no trust – so GET OUT.

2. Don’t Ruin Your Dating Schema
   A schema is: an underlying organizational pattern or structure; conceptual framework: A schema provides the basis by which someone relates to the events he or she experiences. When you’re young and “in” these first time romantic relationships, you are building your schema of what you expect from a partner and what you expect of yourself. Are you a giver? Are you a taker? Are you willing to stay if he cheats? Does that make you a doormat? Where do you get all the answers?!

There are so many question we ask ourselves while in our first relationship, because let’s be honest, we don’t really know what we are doing. Honestly though, I still ask myself 9 million questions in my relationships now, but I’ve built my dating schema off of past relationships and the relationships of people in my life.
What I mean by “don’t ruin” it, is that, as I mentioned above, you are shaping your beliefs and desires and expectations while you’re in this first romantic relationship. You do not want to accept things in this relationship that you’re not comfortable with in terms of treatment, communication, honesty, sex, etcetera. How you build and develop your schema will affect your relationships in the future. It certainly effects the way you view yourself as well, whether you are in, or out of a relationship.

3. Always Trust Your Gut and Stay True to Yourself
If you feel like something isn’t right, it’s probably not. Don’t discount the way you feel because people judge you. Let them judge! You are the one that has to be happy and satisfied with your choices and decisions. They aren’t in the relationship, you are – so trust what you feel. Feelings are feelings, they can’t be wrong.
I know for some women this can be harder because people say, “Oh, that broad is crazy“. Great. Let them think you are crazy. There are moments I know I am batsh** crazy, but if you hold everything in I can practically guarantee you, that you’re going to explode at some point.

Stay true to yourself and trust your gut – it tells you it doesn’t like something for a reason!
And when I say, “stay true” I mean to your authentic self, who you are on the inside. If someone wants you to change your personality or if you want to change theirs – GET OUT. Personalities don’t change, they are a pretty constant thing.
However, I would like to make this note – there is a major difference between change and growth. As we grow, we change, we develop – that is normal and healthy. But asking someone to change who they are at the core, is not going to happen and it shouldn’t happen if you’re with the right person.

So… I didn’t want to make this post ridiculously long for you all so I split it into two posts. Please come back and get uncomfortable with me in the next day or two so we can get REAL about what our first love taught us ❤